Homestuck 2x2x2: Further Past Canon

A continuation of Homestuck^2 from where it left off. Archived on this page in case the thread gets deleted. Original by Chesire.

Chapter 17: Yo, Egbert, Keep it together.

A young man stands in his bedroom. It just so happens that today, the 13th of April, ????, everything about his life has been falling apart! Though it was sixteen years ago he was given life, it is only today that the ongoing revolution has literally arrived at his doorstep! What will this young man do?

Harry: Do a silly dance

You decide to try and dance away the stress of your girlfriend having possibly become a prisoner of war, putting on your favorite musicals soundtrack and trying to perform the choreography... It is not working, not even Con Air: The Musical can calm your nerves now.

Harry: Try to barricade the door.

You decide to try and be prepared for the worst, going to close the door and barricade it. As you do, you notice what looks like your parents pushing your moms bed to the side, revealing a transportalizer.

Harry: Transportalize

You begin walking across the hallway to find where the Transportalizer leads. However, as you're about to transportalize, you hear heavy footsteps coming from inside the house and decide to quickly cover the Transportalizer with a rug.

Harry: Equip a weapon. Allocate a strife specibus if you haven't!

You quickly remember the FABRIC SCISSORS you allocated earlier, equipping them while trying to stop yourself from having a heart attack.

Harry: Be at the ready. You might have to strife!

You get out of your parents room and back to your own, closing the door so that the CONSPICUOUS RUG is less noticeable. You get into something resembling a fighting stance, preparing to use all of your skills in STAGE FIGHTING and AMATEUR KICKBOXING if necessary.

Harry: Be prepared. Now wait for the enemy. Hold them off as long as you can!

You get yourself as prepared as a scrawny theater kid can possibly be! You're preparing lines you can say to possibly intimidate whatever is in your home away, practicing with the FABRIC SCISSORS, moving all of your work in progress costumes for drama club in front of the door, and playing your FAVORITE MUSICAL's soundtrack to get your head in the gake... But there's one thing you didn't account for. An old gift, from another medium (insert epilogues link here).


You are suddenly grabbed from behind by your old IMPERIAL DRONE, you try to reach for the CONTROL REMOTE which has been gathering dust on your desk for years, but it is just out of reach as Crockercorp Soldiers break through the window, armed to the teeth.

Chapter 18: Ah, The Negotiator.

Your name is JAKE ENGLISH, you are currently outside of the recently interrupted funeral of a SHITTY CLOWN CULT LEADER, your PSEUDO EX WIFE is currently actively antagonizing rebels that are pretending to have your son TAVROS CROCKER hostage. You should probably intervene in this situation, but first you need to come up with what you'll do.

Jake: Feel the unresistable urge to punch one jane crocker!

You feel a sudden and completely unexplainable urge to punch Jane Crocker, regardless of how horribly that would escalate this situation, not to mention that you'd reveal yourself as a spy. Both Luckily and unfortunately, Brain Ghost Dirk stops you.

Jake: Have a jojo's bizzare adventure-esque sequence of thoughts where you think up a solution to this problem you face!

Oh, whew. This sort of sequence is difficult! You're not usually the planning type, or honestly the thinking type. But you think you've got an idea that just might work to resolve this situation! You just have to convince Jane to let the rebels take the STRANGELY NAMED DOG CHILD.

Jake: Strike a jojo pose and become more confident. You can do it!

You try to strike what Dirk always referred to as a "Jojo Pose", recalling it as much as you can with the assistance of Brain Ghost Dirk throughout. You end up falling down and looking like an idiot, but you do catch yourself before your face hits the ground! Filling you with confidence!

Jake: Go up to Jane determined to convince her!

You get up from the ground and approach Jane.

Jake: jane there's a solution to this which doesn't involve as much jabberwocking
Jane: What is it Jake. Can't you see I'm busy?
Jake: well i was thinking that all of this hullabaloo is not the best for publicity
Jane: Why's that? They've taken poor sweet Tavros, they've disrupted the funeral of my kismesis, and they've got the nerve to act better than us!
Jake: well i think that this malarkey is completely pointless
Jane: This!? This is pointless to you?!?
Jake: well i was thinking that its pointless malarkey because youre actively endangering tavvy and your image by looking like a wisenheimer
Jake: dont have a cow jane just let them have yiffany and save tavvy
Jane: I only understood about half of that, but I understand the message behind it.
Jane: Fair enough, this was already planned for anyway.
Crockercorp Soldier #413: Miss crocker everythings gone according to plan. The thief of light and the children have been captured.
Jane: Well, that settles it! :B
Jake: wait wha-
Jane: Thank you for helping me keep a level head Jake, I almost forgot about the plan!
Jake: what is going on am i zozzled right now
Jane: You're dismissed, soldier.
Jane: I accept your demands, rebel scum. Bring Tavros down, and you can keep your mutt.


After you calm down a bit and snap back to reality, you hear Jane tell you to take the car with Tavvy and go back to the manor, stating that she has a meeting to attend to on the capital ship.

Jake: This is bad! Take Tavvy to a safehouse. You can't let him into the grips of that madwomen again!

You try and take Tavvy to the safest house you can think of, John's! Only to find that it was destroyed in an air raid before you arrived. Saddened by this realization, you face Tavvy and try to find something to say.

Jake: Have a father-son talk with him about the dire situation and apologize for this mess.

You try and talk to Tavvy.

Jake: well tavvy i think youre old enough to know your old man is not as much of a gasper smoking gun pointing cake eater as you must think.
Tavvy: Dad,,,
Jake: its true im a humbug every single negative thing that has happened to us was because of my false bravado
Tavvy: Dad,,
Jake: things are bad right now tavvy and its all because im a gas pipe wearing pumblechook and im sorry
Tavvy: Dad,
Jake: im sorry tavvy if i werent such a phonus belonus i couldve prevented all of this
Tavvy: Dad, why don't we just alter the security system at the manor to not recognize Jane,,,
Jake: this is all my oh wait that is a brilliant plan
Tavvy: We should probably hurry,,, we'll need some time to alter the security system,
Jake: yes i suppose we will
Jake: wait are you not on your mothers side
Tavvy: isn't that a bit obvious,,, all of my friends are,,,
Jake: but what about the hostage situation
Tavvy: I thought that was rather obviously staged,
Jake: oh i suppose it was
Jake: lets go then
Jake: tally ho


You drive away from the destroyed home and towards the manor, working with Tavvy and Brain Ghost Dirk to effectively lock Jane out, bonding over the fact that you are both terrible at being double agents.